Please, for the love of God, shut up!

Tonight my husband decided to surprise me with a night out at our favorite restaurant.  We got a table by the window and settled in with our margarita and Dos Equis. 

That’s when it happened; Debbie and her deviated septum started talking….and never fucking stopped.

Did you know Debbie and her husband Ed spent the day and their pensions at Batavia Downs?  Boy, I sure hope they fix that slot machine, because it was just EATING Debbie’s money, EATING it! 

I’ll never get to sleep tonight wondering how Amy is doing after her surgery to remove that thing that was growing on her foot.  Will they ever figure out what is?

What about Cynthia and that damn Bingo?  Is she ever going to stop playing long enough to call Debbie back and discuss their trip to Quebec?

And that goddamn Words with Friends, telling Debbie her words are not valid…assholes.

Why do those people at Verizon keep texting Debbie?  Is the phone in Debbie's name or Ed's? Why don't they just text Ed?

These questions will just have to go unanswered, because we ate our food as fast as we could to get the hell out of there.

I hope poor, mute Ed goes home and shoves Debbie’s new Samsung Galaxy right up her ass, not a jury in the world would convict him.

Olympus Down

That awkward half hour when you think Olympus Has Fallen is actually White House Down and you keep wondering where the hell Channing Tatum is!!

This is how is goes....

So, Mrs. Pissy-Pants and her self-righteous, stony glare are waiting for me yesterday at the library front desk. I get out my biggest smile and my sweetest may I help you, because those miserable bitches hate that shit, and then it goes like this…

“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Let me ask you a question, do we still use the dewey decimal system?”   Eye roll.

“Why yes we do.”   Big smile.

“Really, have you changed it?”   Duck lips.

“Mmmm nope, it’s still just the same.”   Turn up the voltage on smile.

“Well, it’s funny, I’ve looked all over for that book 1963 by Stephen King and I can’t find it.”  Punctuates the sentence with head bob.

“Well, let me explain the trouble you’re having. The title of the book is actually 11/22/63 and it is a work of fiction by Stephen King. So, it would be located in the fiction section alphabetically by the author’s last name. Not, as you thought, in the non-fiction section, which is where we actually use the dewey decimal section.”   Suck on that eyebrow lift.

Lllllooonnnnggggg ppppppaaaaauuuuusssseeee.

“Is it checked in?”

The End of Times...

Everywhere these days you hear about gas prices, the stock market, biblical storms and the damn Mayans.  Seems like everyone is preaching their own version of the end of times,

I try to keep a positive outlook on life.  I want to believe that we as human beings will get our shit together and turn it all around.  I want to have hope.

Today I went to buy my favorite cheap hairspray, the kind that smells like the gas they give you at the dentist.  

It was $7.36…for a can of hair spray.

The world is gonna fucking end people….