Memories

When I was little we would spend every Sunday at my grandparents house. We'd come in the afternoon and stay for homemade pizza, Wild Kingdom and Disney. We'd play cards, dance with my aunt's, go down the lane and just be together. They are some of my most treasured memories.

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Olympus Down

That awkward half hour when you think Olympus Has Fallen is actually White House Down and you keep wondering where the hell Channing Tatum is!!

Livin' The Dream

All summer we have found a tiny, green tree frog living inside our hot tub. He’s just under the flap and above the water line where the steamy, hot conditions are the best. We assume he spends his time perched there pretending he is in the Amazon, sweating profusely and narrowly avoided death by fierce anacondas. We always shoo him out when we get in and I hope he isn't going back to his tiny tree frog buddies and boasting,

“I’m livin’ the dream bitches, livin’ the dream.”

Nobody likes a douchebag…

This is how is goes....

So, Mrs. Pissy-Pants and her self-righteous, stony glare are waiting for me yesterday at the library front desk. I get out my biggest smile and my sweetest may I help you, because those miserable bitches hate that shit, and then it goes like this…

“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Let me ask you a question, do we still use the dewey decimal system?”   Eye roll.

“Why yes we do.”   Big smile.

“Really, have you changed it?”   Duck lips.

“Mmmm nope, it’s still just the same.”   Turn up the voltage on smile.

“Well, it’s funny, I’ve looked all over for that book 1963 by Stephen King and I can’t find it.”  Punctuates the sentence with head bob.

“Well, let me explain the trouble you’re having. The title of the book is actually 11/22/63 and it is a work of fiction by Stephen King. So, it would be located in the fiction section alphabetically by the author’s last name. Not, as you thought, in the non-fiction section, which is where we actually use the dewey decimal section.”   Suck on that eyebrow lift.

Lllllooonnnnggggg ppppppaaaaauuuuusssseeee.

“Is it checked in?”

Me

My dear friends, I talk too much. I'm loud. I wave my arms around a lot. I tell stories more than once (but they are still funny) and I sometimes forget birthdays. I like to have a cocktail or two. I like my alone time as much as my party time. 

I am all these things. 

Here are some more things I am.

I will not ever smile at you and say "Hey,girl!" and then turn around and bad mouth you. If I don't like you, I don't like you. I won't pretend to care about you and then shit on you, I just won't care about you. I will always be honest and truthful about you and how you make me feel. If I have a problem with you, you will definitely know about it. I will leave you the hell alone if you leave me the hell alone and if you want to act stupid and get in my face I will be happy to reciprocate.

I am all these things.

Yup...