Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Force is strong with this one...

This girl of mine, she loves Star Wars.

I love Star Wars too, but she takes it to a whole other level.  She's been like that since she was little, she watched those movies more than any other cartoon movies we had.

Today was Disney day at school for homecoming and because Disney bought the rights to SW last October she thought it was a perfect opportunity to dress up as the princess.  With the help of a gracious Aunt and some websites we constructed the perfect costume!

She looked amazing, too bad some poor sports that couldn't be bothered to do more than pull out some mouse ears or a Tinker Bell t-shirt from Wal Mart had to ruin her day by being obnoxious, jealous little shits.

But the force is strong with this one and she has a Yoda like zen about her that lets her not get mad or upset with evil little brats.  I am more Darth Vader about it and if I could I'd show them who the evil one is.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Please, for the love of God, shut up!

Tonight my husband decided to surprise me with a night out at our favorite restaurant.  We got a table by the window and settled in with our margarita and Dos Equis. 

That’s when it happened; Debbie and her deviated septum started talking….and never fucking stopped.

Did you know Debbie and her husband Ed spent the day and their pensions at Batavia Downs?  Boy, I sure hope they fix that slot machine, because it was just EATING Debbie’s money, EATING it! 

I’ll never get to sleep tonight wondering how Amy is doing after her surgery to remove that thing that was growing on her foot.  Will they ever figure out what is?

What about Cynthia and that damn Bingo?  Is she ever going to stop playing long enough to call Debbie back and discuss their trip to Quebec?

And that goddamn Words with Friends, telling Debbie her words are not valid…assholes.

Why do those people at Verizon keep texting Debbie?  Is the phone in Debbie's name or Ed's? Why don't they just text Ed?

These questions will just have to go unanswered, because we ate our food as fast as we could to get the hell out of there.

I hope poor, mute Ed goes home and shoves Debbie’s new Samsung Galaxy right up her ass, not a jury in the world would convict him.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


When I was little we would spend every Sunday at my grandparents house. We'd come in the afternoon and stay for homemade pizza, Wild Kingdom and Disney. We'd play cards, dance with my aunt's, go down the lane and just be together. They are some of my most treasured memories.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Olympus Down

That awkward half hour when you think Olympus Has Fallen is actually White House Down and you keep wondering where the hell Channing Tatum is!!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Livin' The Dream

All summer we have found a tiny, green tree frog living inside our hot tub. He’s just under the flap and above the water line where the steamy, hot conditions are the best. We assume he spends his time perched there pretending he is in the Amazon, sweating profusely and narrowly avoided death by fierce anacondas. We always shoo him out when we get in and I hope he isn't going back to his tiny tree frog buddies and boasting,

“I’m livin’ the dream bitches, livin’ the dream.”

Nobody likes a douchebag…

Thursday, September 5, 2013

This is how is goes....

So, Mrs. Pissy-Pants and her self-righteous, stony glare are waiting for me yesterday at the library front desk. I get out my biggest smile and my sweetest may I help you, because those miserable bitches hate that shit, and then it goes like this…

“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Let me ask you a question, do we still use the dewey decimal system?”   Eye roll.

“Why yes we do.”   Big smile.

“Really, have you changed it?”   Duck lips.

“Mmmm nope, it’s still just the same.”   Turn up the voltage on smile.

“Well, it’s funny, I’ve looked all over for that book 1963 by Stephen King and I can’t find it.”  Punctuates the sentence with head bob.

“Well, let me explain the trouble you’re having. The title of the book is actually 11/22/63 and it is a work of fiction by Stephen King. So, it would be located in the fiction section alphabetically by the author’s last name. Not, as you thought, in the non-fiction section, which is where we actually use the dewey decimal section.”   Suck on that eyebrow lift.

Lllllooonnnnggggg ppppppaaaaauuuuusssseeee.

“Is it checked in?”

Monday, August 19, 2013


My dear friends, I talk too much. I'm loud. I wave my arms around a lot. I tell stories more than once (but they are still funny) and I sometimes forget birthdays. I like to have a cocktail or two. I like my alone time as much as my party time. 

I am all these things. 

Here are some more things I am.

I will not ever smile at you and say "Hey,girl!" and then turn around and bad mouth you. If I don't like you, I don't like you. I won't pretend to care about you and then shit on you, I just won't care about you. I will always be honest and truthful about you and how you make me feel. If I have a problem with you, you will definitely know about it. I will leave you the hell alone if you leave me the hell alone and if you want to act stupid and get in my face I will be happy to reciprocate.

I am all these things.