Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Please, for the love of God, shut up!

Tonight my husband decided to surprise me with a night out at our favorite restaurant.  We got a table by the window and settled in with our margarita and Dos Equis. 

That’s when it happened; Debbie and her deviated septum started talking….and never fucking stopped.

Did you know Debbie and her husband Ed spent the day and their pensions at Batavia Downs?  Boy, I sure hope they fix that slot machine, because it was just EATING Debbie’s money, EATING it! 

I’ll never get to sleep tonight wondering how Amy is doing after her surgery to remove that thing that was growing on her foot.  Will they ever figure out what is?

What about Cynthia and that damn Bingo?  Is she ever going to stop playing long enough to call Debbie back and discuss their trip to Quebec?

And that goddamn Words with Friends, telling Debbie her words are not valid…assholes.

Why do those people at Verizon keep texting Debbie?  Is the phone in Debbie's name or Ed's? Why don't they just text Ed?

These questions will just have to go unanswered, because we ate our food as fast as we could to get the hell out of there.

I hope poor, mute Ed goes home and shoves Debbie’s new Samsung Galaxy right up her ass, not a jury in the world would convict him.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


When I was little we would spend every Sunday at my grandparents house. We'd come in the afternoon and stay for homemade pizza, Wild Kingdom and Disney. We'd play cards, dance with my aunt's, go down the lane and just be together. They are some of my most treasured memories.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Olympus Down

That awkward half hour when you think Olympus Has Fallen is actually White House Down and you keep wondering where the hell Channing Tatum is!!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Livin' The Dream

All summer we have found a tiny, green tree frog living inside our hot tub. He’s just under the flap and above the water line where the steamy, hot conditions are the best. We assume he spends his time perched there pretending he is in the Amazon, sweating profusely and narrowly avoided death by fierce anacondas. We always shoo him out when we get in and I hope he isn't going back to his tiny tree frog buddies and boasting,

“I’m livin’ the dream bitches, livin’ the dream.”

Nobody likes a douchebag…

Thursday, September 5, 2013

This is how is goes....

So, Mrs. Pissy-Pants and her self-righteous, stony glare are waiting for me yesterday at the library front desk. I get out my biggest smile and my sweetest may I help you, because those miserable bitches hate that shit, and then it goes like this…

“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Let me ask you a question, do we still use the dewey decimal system?”   Eye roll.

“Why yes we do.”   Big smile.

“Really, have you changed it?”   Duck lips.

“Mmmm nope, it’s still just the same.”   Turn up the voltage on smile.

“Well, it’s funny, I’ve looked all over for that book 1963 by Stephen King and I can’t find it.”  Punctuates the sentence with head bob.

“Well, let me explain the trouble you’re having. The title of the book is actually 11/22/63 and it is a work of fiction by Stephen King. So, it would be located in the fiction section alphabetically by the author’s last name. Not, as you thought, in the non-fiction section, which is where we actually use the dewey decimal section.”   Suck on that eyebrow lift.

Lllllooonnnnggggg ppppppaaaaauuuuusssseeee.

“Is it checked in?”